notonline222
on stimulants. 09/24/22
i used to take 40mg of vyvanse everyday until i quit using them. why did i quit? first off, it's worth noting that i lost access to a healthcare professional or to a psychiatrist. secondly, it made my heart rate increase to insane speeds, thumping thumping thumping stronger than i imagined could be healthy. but by the time i had mustered up the courage to ask anyone about it, i had nobody to ask. it also made me extremely sweaty, which was just sort of weird and uncomfortable. i also found myself picking my skin incessantly, something i was unable to stop even after quiting vyvanse.
that being said, i have some left over. i took half this morning at about 9am. half is... an estimate to say the least. just opened and guessed. it is now just about 11am, and i think i will take the other half. i have some things i need to focus on today. i hope this acts as intended, as i remember it doing. memory is flawed though, that's true. i do feel guilty about taking it after i'd stopped for many months. i also have no way of getting more if the chemicals end up mixing in a way that gets me hooked. i hope i'm strong enough to understand this as a one-off thing, maybe a two-off if i do it again tomorrow. i've already been considering it.
i'm writing here to document how it goes, to try and give some context to how it affects me. what the effect will be. did i use those right? i always mess them up.
now, at 10:52am, my heart is beating faster and harder than normal, but not so different than an excessive amount of caffiene typically does. as for productivity, i've made coffee, drank a cup, done the dishes, swept the floor, washed my face/whatever minimal skincare i do, cleaned my desk, cleaned out some of my downloads folder, organized my studies and now i'm on my way to studying (i think, i hope, yes i am, i must remain positive, but here i am journalling instead of being productive, but is this productive in its own right? or is it just what i'm telling myself to justify procrastination?). skinpicking is normal for what typically happens in a day. nicotine cravings slightly increased.
to do now is to pull and analyze quotes from the main theoretical text i'm drawing on. it is 11:01am. i will take the other half.
it is now 11:18am and i have sat back down after getting slightly distracted by cleaning the bathroom mirror and giving my cat treats. nevermind, now i'm calling my family.
it is now 12:13pm and i am going to start studying. lol.
12:59pm. poured a cup of coffee. i've made some progress gathering quotes.
1:51pm. need a little break. i haven't even taken a sip of this coffee. eyes burn-y a little bit. working on contextualizing quotes.
2:27pm. back at computer.
4:59pm. another break.
6:25pm. long break. had a shower. will eat soon. a bit more study before eat. i forgot how dull this makes me.
9:28pm. ate. folded laundry. i'll do a bit more before bed.