notonline222
the future. 10/22/22
how do i plan for the future without worrying about it? it seems they go hand in hand. i look to the future because i'm under some misdirected idea that my life will finally begin there. i know my life has already begun, and i'm living in it now. however, it's hard to believe that... somehow. i presume because i find it deeply unsatisfying at the moment. do i work at making the moment more enjoyable, and living in it as i should, or set my sights on the future where one day i can find satisfaction? can i do both at once? can i look for a satisfying future when i dont know what it is that i want it to look like? i've never been great at that. i have swirling, conceptual ideas about my future, but never concrete plans. i'd like to think it's because i take opportunities as they are presented to me, but really i think it's because i find it difficult to admit that i want things. one, because what i want changes so frequently, it's difficult to explain to others when this happens. the oh... i thought you were xyz? well... i was. the second, is the deep seated shame i feel when things do not turn out the way ive wanted. its easier to only hold concepts rather than concretes. then you can decieve yourself into believing what has happened was your plan all along. third, i lack the self confidence to go after the things i want. not only that, but i cannot shake the idea that the things i want have been systemically made unavailable to me. which is... i have guilt about feeling that in the first place. because all things considered, i come from and hold a very privileged position. i'm disgusted by the fact that i'm envious of others that come from just a smidge more privilege. but it's true. and pretty gross.