the state of it all. 10/31/22

im sorry if this is blunt or crude, but really...what is this sorry excuse for a (we live in a)society?

again, as always, and maybe to my self-absorbed detriment, i recognize and understand my privilege (although, isn't it funny that i'm always tripped up while spelling this word. where does the e go? you think i'd understand how to spell a word im supposedly so aquinted with my positioning within).

anyways, a small story from last night. i wanted to go for a small walk. my constantly misplaced hypochondriac state of mind is currently worrying about my heart health. possibly justifiably? the vyvnase is... interesting to say the least. anyhow, i was joined by... who I will call Shirely. I'm always hesitant to mention them in anything i write, even something as random as this. and i dont want to explain that hesitation either.

anyways. we ended up hungry, and we went to boston pizza for dinner. they were excited... i find joy in introducing them to supposedly canadian things (those of which i realize more and more everyday are representative of the very structures that maintain our societal and economic realities). oh, they are a foreigner. another word im always misspelling... ill unpack that another time.

anyways. how do i remember boston pizza? wholesomely. with my parents. as a child i loved pasta with butter and parmesan. as many children do. i still do. i really did then. after hockey. maybe surrounded by other children, my friends, my parents friends. a sports game of some variety on the television. my father watching. my mother people watching. an energetic atmosphere. maybe im looking back at this with rose-coloured glasses. but as lame as it sounds, it recalls childhood. safety and comfort. which i was lucky and blessed to have. i really did have a wonderful childhood. while i knew to a certain extent this was not true, i had a deeply rooted belief that all children around me had a similar experience. was it successful parenting to shield me from it all? it's subjective i guess. i do believe they wanted to shield me, but in hindsight it left me ill-equipped to deal with reality, naive, and possibly lacking compassion and empathy for situations i do not understand, those of which i only began to understand or even be exposed to in early adulthood. i don't fault them for doing this, it's also situational. i grew up in a middle-classed white neighbourhood. i went to university and surrounded myself with the same types of people. now what do i do? im quite lonely, because i dont understand how to relate to others anymore. those i used to surround myself with, their passivity makes me feel awkward now, like i must also be so passive to fit in. if not passive, performative. so i hide on the internet... i talk to faceless strangers and those with faces who i'm not sure even really care to interact with me, but i dont mind if they do or they dont because i enjoy interacting with them. maybe im just passive in a different way. i wonder how i can be aware of my privilege without coming off as snooty. can i still recognize the troubles in our world from here? can i point them out? or should i simply sit down and shut up? im not sure.

anyways. boston pizza. we split a large pizza. it was 40 dollars and honestly disgusting. i have the leftovers in the fridge and im hesitant to eat them. there was nobody in the restaurant. i wont go back. they played the strangest, manufactured music i've ever heard (with the exception of one harry styles song, i believe it was as it was, this isnt saying whether thats strange and manufactured, just that i recognized it). we sat at a booth, on the second floor with a window looking down at dundas. the window was so filty you couldnt see anything except the glow of the electronic billboard across the street. a bug landed in shirley's drink. the service was bad, but i dont blame the servers in the slightest, im not sure how you can really stay motivated anymore. i presume id provide the same experience or worse. but here i am again speaking on an experience i do not inhabit, all i can really say is that i recognized it as being what someone else may actually complain about. all the tvs were burnt out, their colours faded. one woman came in alone, two men came in together. the former seemed content, the later sat silently on their phones.

im just... im shocked that such a terrible pizza was 40 dollars. are you paying for the experience? but what is that experience? it was so strange. it felt simulated. is that too dramatic? anyways. after we ate we walked home, and as always saw the state of the city. filty (i mean actual dirt and grime). an endless amount of people struggling, whether thats sleeping on the street, obviously under the influence of drugs and harrowing from the effects, or begging for money. but i just gave this weird corporate restaurant chain 40 dollars for a terrible pizza. but look at this city. the disconnect of it all.

oh, happy halloween i guess.

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